healthy boundaries
People with low self-esteem have major difficulties in relationships with others. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people. The reason, for this inability, is that with low self-esteem comes a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions, and actions that lead people to lose themselves in relationships with others.
This absorption of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. People with low self-esteem have a weakened “internal locus of control” and become dependent on a “strong external locus of control”. They become victims of being controlled by how others think, feel about and act towards them.
People with low self-esteem are dependent on others’ approval and recognition and are therefore fearful of rejection by and conflict with others. How about your relationships?
• How well are your physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual boundaries established and maintained in your relationships?
• How successful are you in protecting and maintaining your boundaries when your relationship partners are highly intrusive or persistent?
• Do you use unhealthy, compulsive, or addictive behaviors as a barrier or unhealthy boundary to protect yourself from intimacy with your relationship partners?
• How well do you stay unhooked and detached when your relationship partners are working you over to lower your boundaries in the relationship?
• When you consider trying to maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships without the use of body weight, food, or some other compulsive behaviors to protect and medicate you in the process, are you scared?
• Would you prefer to stay stuck?
To fully live within healthy boundaries you must first know what they look like Here are some examples:
Protect Your Time • In today’s world, time is important and valuable. • It may seem like there is never enough time to focus on what is really important in our lives. • But our time is something we don’t usually think of protecting. • Do you have friends who drop by unexpectedly and expect your undivided attention? • Do you have people in your life who demand your time in unreasonable ways.
Protect Your Emotions • Your emotions are where your love and caring come from. • These deep emotions should be well protected. • Often, people may say or do things that hurt us and can damage our emotions, even if they don’t mean to. • Has someone in your life made remarks or comments that hurt you? • Have people acted thoughtlessly or selfishly toward you?
Protect Your Energy • You need your energy to function. • Energy can come from social time or “alone time”, your inner peace, or from activities that refresh you, like getting enough sleep, exercise, healthy food, etc. • Sometimes people do or say things that rob you of this energy, like invading your privacy, creating turmoil or chaos, making unreasonable demands, keeping you from prayer or relaxation, etc. • Did something like that ever happen to you? • Describe what happened and what you did about it.
Protect Your Personal Values • Your beliefs and deep values may include cultural and spiritual beliefs. • Personal needs and family customs may be very important to you. • People in your life should respect your beliefs and values, even if they don’t agree with them.
•Your boundaries also protect your sense of identity.
• Your identity is and should be kept separate from the identity of other people in a relationship. Think of your boundaries as invisible lines or fences to protect you or the things that belong to you.
• You have the right to say what is unacceptable to you and what is not. – And you need to do that. • If the relationship is unbalanced and you are doing so much that you are not able to meet your own needs, there is a boundary issue. • If there is violence, something illegal, or something unethical is being done to you by the person you are in a relationship with, it can violate your boundary.
If you are struggling with boundaries in relationships consider getting a licensed counselor to walk you through the changes needed to develop healthy boundaries.
Karen Van Acker LPC LLC
Counseling in Salem Oregon
Adapted by C. Leech from “Tools for Coping with Life’s Stressors” from the Coping.org website
Developed in 2010 and revised 6-3-15 by Mary Knutson, RN
